We now have a new camera. And he says, 'you guys have to use your own money to buy another one in the future!' To speak the truth, I sometimes don't get how adults manage their finances just like how I don't get mine. A canon 60D just popped out of nowhere last night, while I was suggesting to my dad about canon being a better choice and that we should consider the 600D. Of course I'm excited.

-

So, I stepped into a restaurant last night, unfortunately broke for the day. There were 40 minutes left till the start of japanese class so I wanted a conducive environment to do my work in. In search of something within my budget, I flipped to the page with the steamed rice and a pot of chinese tea which amounted to 2 dollars in total.

Without a care of how embarrassing that was, (actually I did, I apologized to them many times) I ordered those, waited for dinner and took my homework out. I just needed food to fill my stomach. At some point in time a waitress of around 50 served me the food and asked about my work. So I answered and went back to my books.

Maybe she liked seeing teenagers doing their work or I reminded her of her grand/daughter, because she came over while I was a tenth way down my rice and asked if I wanted sauce on it. I nodded my head sheepishly. How can anyone reject such great service?

Then she asked if I wanted more tea, and brought more when I went 'seriously?'. I got 4 pots of tea within the next half an hour of my stay. I told her their service was excellent. It is!! Won't most people try to chase me away?? And she was really nice about it, smiling to me and all.

-

$2.35 is all you need to feel the world is a better (friendlier) place.
(how strange sounding this is)

and to all my friends who have helped me the past few months and perhaps the next few to come. I'm extremely thankful.

Extremely grateful.
-

how can we commoners talk to the perfect being T.T

(nobody's supposed to get this. Maybe besides sarah and her woof)

On that day, I will find a chance to say "no, I do not think yours is better than mine just because you say it is.".

It wasn't just 1) you placing yourself up high and somehow putting me down, it was 2) me who didn't stand up for myself as well. Both of them cannot occur without the other so I must not whine about you as I had originally planned to. (for personal reference: Vertigo)

My fear of not being being good enough and therefore not speaking up does not equate to me not trying. I'll prove it.

My friend asked why I can't stop seeing humans or faces in the clouds as we were cloud watching. I've been seeing dancing figures in my spaghetti, that broken bathroom tile, faces on the patterned wall as a child. This is quite intriguing.

Angry pooh is now staring at me from the window. And David (from that sculpture) not standing but playing a harp, resting.

What do people normally see then?

Beautiful Things
(photos and videos)

I need a new word other than 'beautiful'. But 'lovely', 'divine', 'pretty', and all the other words aren't nearly as great as this simple word, one of our first few adjectives. I feel like it's the umbrella term for all these, well, lovely things.

Elegant, classy, soft, endearing, light, calm, raw, gentle, celestial, loose things are beautiful to me. Wise, understanding people are beautiful. Meaning is beautiful. Feelings are beautiful.

Words like 'splendid', 'astounding', 'brilliant', 'outstanding' are not beautiful. Beautiful things aren't shining stars. They don't catch your eye but they attract you. The beauty doesn't work from the surface, it seeps through from beneath, (I'd like to imagine: beneath a steady stream).

Sometimes they're almost barely there, sometimes subtle. Too visible sometimes though they're just going their own way.

Oh I know. Beautiful things/people don't shout "I'M BEAUTIFUL". They just are.

-

There are a billion things more beautiful than the ones I've found but these are what I call 'beautiful' for today :

(now that I've sort of established my meaning of the word I don't feel so frustrated for using it all over again. I can't use any other word that means something else. There are synonyms, similar words but each word has its own meaning, I think.)

My favourite photo of all time, since I was 16, I think.

It looks a little too controlled for such degree of liking, now that I look at this again... I think. But I haven't found anything like this yet, so.. light.. and.. celestial? I feel like I don't even have to justify why I like it even till now. I would watch a video of her in this dress, a strong fan beneath her feet, same lighting, for hours. Yes, hours.


Fragile subject, strong lighting, soft bright colours.


looks like a film still from a japanese movie. How very calming.
And such a beautiful lady. She looks like she understands the world.
(now don't ask me how I came to that, it just feels this way)


Contrasts are amazing! I actually think they're close to the most wonderful thing on earth, like figures illuminated by the moonlight, dancing flames in the dark, studded diamond stars in the night sky.


Her expression so full of vengeance yet she looks so vulnerable.

(These are all taken by Zhang Jingna)

-


(I'll try not to post this up again)

I always feel like their hearts are only connected by a fine thread. It feels raw. A moment after tension. Not passion but fragility, fear of losing each others' physical presence, not knowing what they're exactly holding onto.

She's grabbing onto that hand holding her close, unsure if she should push it away, but she doesn't in the end for she's too tired to question or be insecure (words and secrets are not always true).

Falling into someone's embrace from weakness and fear is so easy at such moments.

-



Michael Jackson - Childhood
(this is a really wonderful song)

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?



Ryan Woodrow - Thought of you
(Song: The world spins madly on by the weepies)

A friend posted this on facebook. Art, dance, music all in a simple animation. It is too beautiful for words and I shall end this post with this. Graceful, elegant.

(someone used my favourite picture as part of his/her video under 'suggested videos'!) Which makes it more certain that the animation belongs here.

I'm very sorry about the cancelled plans, for changing my decision and causing so much trouble. Is there any way I can make up for it? Is there not? :(

What she said reminded me of me 8 years ago.
People don't change entirely.

-

Oh because she was too clingy. She followed me everywhere.
I got mad at her. I was 11.

Gifts and letters I received but never returned. When I was 13.
One day, I stopped getting them. Not a word from her. At 15.

But on some days I wish I appreciated that more. I never could,
not if I can't find a reason to like her, besides the care and concern
she showered me with. That isn't a reason, that wouldn't be fair.

We don't connect. We can be friends. I want us to be friends.
But with all those she was doing for me, she wanted more than that. She wanted us to be best friends. I did not take that, I rejected that. I didn't reject her as a friend, I rejected her being my best friend.

I didn't make it clear, a child of 11 knew of nothing but to ignore it.
All the way till 16, she was tired and so it ended there and then.

-

Things always end this way. One-sided things.
For me playing that 11-16 year old me, or me playing her role.

It's tough getting the parameters right. Far too tough.

What she said reminded me of the me 6 years ago.
People don't change entirely.

I do not love because they love me. I only love those I love.
There are few I love deeply, a few I do not care entirely about.

It goes unexplained, why I have no care for you, you and you.
Regrets will tear my heart apart

connection is what I need.

-

Your lack in effort lately, the deliberate lack in mine [unwillingly]
made me realise its the connection that lacked,
everything else tied things together but they're all gone.
Washed away with the excitement. The thought of this irks me.

Shortlived. It will not haunt me.

How immature my thoughts are.
How immature are my thoughts?

I'm asking. Extremely, very, a little, or slightly?

The thought of talking to someone so different is quite absurd.

Now I don't even get why I left that day free.

So I'll respond by not responding

Kate Havnevik - Kaleidoscope
(from album Melankton)



Emmy Rossum - Rainy Days and Mondays
(from album Inside out)

-

and the chinese (i call them the classics in my library)


孙燕姿 - 风筝

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHBUI_4qz5Y&
Peggy Hsu 許哲珮 - 汽球

we walked in silence, but I didn't feel awkward for I didn't not care if it was awkward anymore.

I lost my ring in the toilet today
I lost my favourite hamster
I lost my reason to bring ourselves a nice conversation

We saw the flower at full bloom,
picked it up.
witnessed it slowly withering,
didn't perk it up.
For we did not know how to
(we've never seen it at its stage of growth),
and don't sense a strong will to,
(for we picked it up one fine afternoon by chance or by luck
so it wouldn't hurt that much to see it go).

We wouldn't have seen it so full of life, then developing a hunch with time, if we hadn't picked it up a season ago anyway.
It was that beautiful flower wrapped in plastic and ribbons, not the one in the pot. I do not know how to grow it again.

Flower is wilting, but it is not dead. I wish for you to save it -
I will not know how to till you find that will to.
It is not fair, but it was never fair to start with,
there wouldn't be such a bloom if I hadn't put it in that bottle.

But to you who found it in the first place, (thank you).
though raising a child is a greater challenge than giving birth to one.
Save it, don't kill it further, save it -
like the overturned reincarnated pitchers near the spirals.

Fret not if you don't, for we might not have discovered it
it we hadn't tread on that path one season ago. anyway.
So we shall pretend we never did, or smile at it then walk on.
Just know the tired care taker will not feed it a drop of water
as much as she is aching to do so. Let it lie in fate's hands, or yours.

She is tired and has better things to do.
She is sorry she killed part of it too.

How did your friends become your friends?

-

So many people have helped me in their little ways in the past. People I still talk to, people I thought I never talked to.

-

Those truly at ease don't have to tell others that they are.

I behave differently in front of different people,
add all those sides of me up, and that is me.

Not me putting on a front, not me hiding 'my true self'
(for 'my true self is all these added together).

So what do I mean when I say "people don't know who I really am"?

I'm just saying they don't know me in depth, the person I want them to see me as. I am the bubbly/crazy girl they see (and with moodswings at times), but I do not want people to see me as that and only that. I want them to see this side of me more than ever, and the side of me that not even this blog knows. The side of me I am unable to show others because it only shows itself when I am at my most comfortable state - alone and free from expectations. Expectations I have set for myself, not by others. If that is how I define who "I really am", then nobody on earth will know who I am, though I want them to. Same for every other existent person.

-

It may not be such a scary thing for people to be able to see through us, for we will all then have no reason to lie - there is no point in lying if they know it is a lie. There will be no excuse to hide our true self, and in that state we must all accept who we are. I say must, but in fact being able to accept ourselves is a privilege. And there shall be no such thing as doubt anymore. We can't doubt anybody if they can't hide the truth, can we?

How will the world be with absolute transparency? On first thought it is scary, or maybe on second thought too but if there is such thing as acceptance as well..? It might not be nice to know (a friend's) negative thoughts on us, but it might be nice to know they've changed their mind after, or that at that point in time we could learn to accept it. Don't horrible facts get easier to take after a while.

Of course I'm missing out on other scary parts of gaining absolutely transparency. I'm just thinking - what if?

Is it okay to accept too many things?

Accept

that you're not good enough.
that people all have a reason for behaving in a certain manner.
that you're not always in control of your life.
that people don't always understand you.
that this list goes on if you want those negative thoughts to leave
(temporarily, until you've found the answer)


that you're not one of their most important people and
that there's nothing you can do about it,

except

to feel upset and disappointed
then get back up and realise there's really

nothing

you can
do about it.

And move on with life.
What else can you do?

feels like a lonely friday, what's everybody doing now?

To you - when was the last time we really talked? This security I used to feel is now gone; that any nonsense between us will be accepted because I know the good times do exist. Did exist. Do they still?

To you - now, will we ever get to talk like we thought we will? Aren't we both tired of the conversations already?

To you - who probably thinks I'm all about nothing not simple. Who believes we cannot go deeper; just further. One day, maybe.

To you, you, you - the ones I don't speak to but still love. I wonder if I ever cross your minds? Not just.. five times a year.

To the rest -

repulsion rejection repeat

I composed (wrote something) today.

The first of my impromptu compositions I've ever loved (not that I can compose any other way, honestly.) And that means I won't be able to remember the exact same notes unless I replay the video (with all the parts that didn't flow) and figure out the notes.

Anybody can compose, isn't it? Songs are a string of notes with an end to them. You don't have to know how to play an instrument to have notes floating in your head. It doesn't even have to be a 'perfect' ending that sounds like an ending - look at all those modern compositions where songs kind of just, cut off - like that.

The only difference is the standard of it, and up to what standard you will call it "a song". Then we bring in the idea of perspective - what would YOU call a song, then? (not what the professionals/audiences would call 'a song', or any kind of influence these professionals have on you, but what you'd call a song).

(those do not make sense)

--------------

lunch:

It (was) a dark gloomy day; I fell asleep two hours before lunch. I looked at her, and thought about myself. I wish I were a genius. Or at least, extremely bright. Big brain kind of bright.

I want to be like him, quietly (and very modestly) enjoying the compliments from the rest. Well, the better genes.

Occasionally, they'll say, 'but you're talented!". I do not agree. Just some kind of an ability. (and sometimes it just sounds like they're trying to make you feel better). Look at all those bloody talented people out there. And they might say, "now you're definitely not stupid or dull!". But I'm not bright. Like the stars. Shining. Am I close?

I've got this and that, not (THIS) and (THAT). For now, I'll name the one I'm better at, (this). Sometimes, you try to pride yourself in something. But it feels stupid when you have to FIND what you're good at - why can't it be JARRINGLY OBVIOUS?

-------

So today, that got translated into a song. I wouldn't say it's inspiration, I just happened to play a string of notes while I was feeling this way and it happened to sound rather sad. And something made me better after that, she asked if I've learned a new song.



The day's a little better. When things are tangible. And when you're not influenced by anyone else but yourself.